Alone and pregnant on purpose
From Tuesday's Globe and Mail
July 1, 2008 at 9:25 AM EDT
Lily is not waiting for her biological clock to tick any louder. At 33, she
has given up on dating. So she is planning to have a baby on her own next
year, via a sperm donor.
While she has told some supportive family members
of her plans, the Toronto resident has looked elsewhere for both practical
and emotional advice: an online group called Choice Moms.
“I've always felt like an outsider because almost everybody is married
with kids, so it's hard for me to find people who understand my feelings,”
says Lily, who asked that her full name not be used.
“I feel like I've found people who understand me.”
For women like Lily, the choices never stop. First, you have to choose how
you are going to become a mother: adoption, sperm donor or unprotected sex? If
it is via a donor, will it be a known donor or anonymous?
Then, there's what to call yourself. Are you a Choice Mom? A Single Mother By
As a social movement comes of age, this may sound like a branding exercise.
But for those on the inside, how you identify yourself is a crucial part of the
For one thing, it is difficult to know exactly how many like-minded women are
out there – or where to find them. According to Statistics Canada, 25 per cent
of births in this country in 2005 were to single women, but the circumstances of
those births are not collected. Some may have started out with a co-parent.
Still other solo moms may be classified as divorced even though they chose to be
parents for the first time post-divorce. So, the demographic pieces itself
together from within.
“It's like you're inventing yourself all the time and figuring out what your
priorities are and your values are,” says Mikki Morrissette, the author of a new
advice book, Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide, who
created the label Choice Moms.
She started the Choice Moms website in this last February, and it is now
attracting about 2,000 visitors a month. A Yahoo message board she started a few
years ago has about 800 regular members. She is hoping to find more. “There's a
lot of us out there, we just don't know it,” she says.
Ms. Morrissette is the new solo mom on the block. A group called Single
Mothers by Choice is considered the godmother of the genre. It was founded in
1981 by U.S. psychologist Jane Mattes and runs support groups across North
Ms. Morrissette, a journalist and mother of two who lives in Minneapolis,
credits Ms. Mattes and her work for boosting the acceptability of going it
alone. But she thought it could use a fresh moniker. She coined the term Choice
Moms when she was writing her book because it was shorter. More importantly, it
dropped the word “single,” mention a major distinction for followers.
“A lot of people think we chose to be single,” Lily says. “We didn't. We
ended up single through circumstances and we're choosing to be mothers.” (And
for Ms. Morrissette, that is not how it ended up. She met her husband when
pregnant with her second child, now 4.)
The Choice Moms parameters are otherwise fairly rigid. Ms. Morrissette mostly
serves women using sperm donors, but welcomes women who adopt, women who
accidentally become pregnant, and single lesbians.
However, she admits she has turned women away if they started with a partner
but are now single: “It's a completely different beast. There are different
emotions.” Choice Moms don't grapple with child support or custody, for
Instead, she caters to the next generation of moms-to-be, who are opting for
solo motherhood earlier than their predecessors. Lily reports seeing women aged
about 26 or 27 seeing advice on the site; she says they were gently told by many
to give it a few more years. When they do choose to go ahead with being a Choice
Mom, Ms. Morrissette hopes to address some of the stickier issues she and other
solo mothers may not have felt comfortable talking openly about in the past,
such as how to tell a child she has no father and how to admit not having a
spouse is tough.
“We tend to be very focused on conceiving or adopting; we don't really think
about what happens later,” Ms. Morrissette says.
For instance, when Atlantic Monthly writer and single mom Lisa Gottlieb wrote
an essay in March suggesting that she may have been better off “settling” for
Mr. Good Enough instead of using a donor, some members on the Choice Moms
discussion board went wild with disapproval.
“Then there were some women who said, ‘Let's admit there's some loneliness
that comes with it, but we're afraid to say it,' ” says Ms. Morrissette, who
eventually interviewed both Ms. Gottlieb and one of those women for a podcast.
“Those are the things we need to acknowledge. It's hard to do that outside the
community because you get the I-told-you-so's.”
Even women completely at ease with their choices, like Vancouver school
principal and single mother of one, Kathleen Jeffrey, find they could use a
little face time with others like them.
“I learned a lot though this experience,” she says. “It is a hard decision to
make. Some people look at you like you're out of Star Trek.”
Ms. Jeffrey, 42, chose to align with SMC and is trying to start a Vancouver
support group. In the United States, she says, some SMC groups are so close-knit
they even arrange cruises together.
That different labels are emerging indicates the movement is coming of age,
says Andrea O'Reilly, an associate professor of women's studies at York
University in Toronto and director of the school's Association for Research on
“In the last decade we have been redefining or reshaping what it means to be
a mother,” she says. “A woman 48 and single can say, ‘I chose this.' And a woman
at 18 can say, ‘I chose to keep my baby,' ” she says. “It's something we would
not have seen a decade and a half ago.”
Ottawa Mens Centre.com, from Ottawa, Canada) wrote: Choice
Moms like any extreme feminist group camouflage their basic goal or denying
children a father by referring to "accidental pregnancy".Real Moms don't need "accidental sperm donors".
This is a group of women hell bent on not having any "custody or access issue",
They even state "Choice Moms don't grapple with child support or custody". Thats
because odds are the fathers will never know until and if they receive a demand
for child support accompanied by an effective order preventing any meaningful
contact with the child.
Generally speaking, hetrosexual males will not "donate sperm" for a lesbian
mother seeking a child who is going to be denied a relationship with their
The fact is, children develop best in a hetrosexual family with a father and
mother, children need role models of both genders.
Extreme feminists have literally run men out of elementary school teaching,
education has been feminized to the point that any male waiting outside a school
is enough to get a swarm of police cars in seconds.
Choice Moms are very obviously encouraging and promoting the obtaining of sperm
by "accidents", that are never accidents.
Women know when they are fertile, the accidents are generally very well planed.
First of course, is genetic research, they generally chose the right looking
man, they check out his qualifications, his intelligence, personality and of
course, his ability to pay child support is generally a high factor.
Those women who seek out unwitting sperm donors, are often highly intelligent,
highly motivated, with extremely selfish goals that if looked at often are
classic symptoms of a severe personality disorder and or a mental health
problem. Their problems often prevent them from having relationships that lead
to marriage and their own dysfunctional personalities cause children to grow up
with similar problems.
Donating Sperm is often child abuse. First, many women
who cannot have a relationship with a man are victims of childhood sexual abuse,
and often their own mother's were also victims of childhood sexual abuse or a
dysfunctional family background. Some women who cannot have a relationship with
a man were not just victims of childhood sexual abuse but includes a
dysfunctional family background that could also include daughters of an
alcoholic or violent father.
Most child abusers are not male, they are female, and most were victims of
childhood abuse in one form or another. They grow up to avoid men but crave
"something to love" and decide to "accidentally become pregnant or "get a sperm
Family courts are increasingly filled with high income earning professional
women who very carefully chose "their donor" as if they were shopping for a
luxury car and after giving birth, file applications for "child support" from
lower income earing unwitting sperm donors whose lives are effectively ruined
and their odds of becoming married and affording to have children are
These same women rely upon the cesspool of feminist family court judges who
include man hating lesbian judges personally engaged in similar exercises.
Ottawa Mens Centre.com, from Ottawa, Canada wrote: There are
two sorts of women who seek sperm donors. One group will never have a
relationship with a man and generally they have no intention of ever letting
their child know who their daddy was or have any contact with him.
There is another group who claim they can't meet a man, what they are not saying
is they can't meet a man who "meets their standards", that is generally related
Increasingly, more women earn more than men, there is an ever decreasing pool of
men with "money" sufficient to meet the goals of many women, you see, they are
not rich enough to get married to but, apparently their sperm is just fine for
making babies who may or may not be given a chance to have some very minor
relationship or contact with the child.
The real problems start when you have a significant percentage of children being
born without any father in their lives, their elementary schools, baby sitters
are almost void of men, in fact most male teachers will not take on an
elementary teaching position due to the extreme feminists propensity to cause
fabricated criminal allegations at the slightest opportunity.
Canada needs substantive legislation enforcing children's rights to a
relationship with both parents. Canada needs a legal presumption of a child's
right to equal parenting by both parents especially when the sperm has been
obtained by deceit and fraud that "caused" yet another "accidental pregnancy"
that was in most cases a very carefully planned event.
I have lost count of the number of women who told me that they deliberately got
pregnant to a man and they did so because "they did not want any custody or
access hassles". No they were not lesbians either, just very selfish
Children and father's are both losers in Canada. Children have no right to live
equally with both parents and fathers are treated as second class sub humans.
Ottawa Mens Centre.com, from Ottawa, Canada wrote: These women
think children are property like pets. They assume children come just from them
only. After conception, the child becomes their personal property, it is their
right to do what they like with their child.
- Posted 01/07/08 at 5:33 PM EDT
Feminists have brainwashed Canadian politicians and Judges that sperm is
insignificant, and that mother's gain full parental rights from the moment the
sperm is fertilized.
Children once adults have another view, most seek out their father and are
bitterly disappointed to discover that they were denied a relationship with a
loving devoted father by a family court system that is controlled and operated
by extreme feminists who get basically anything and everything they ask for.
There is no rule of law in Canada when it comes to children's rights. Our
judiciary don't apply the law, they apply political considerations only, they
engage in criminalizing innocent loving fathers whose only crime is to be a
devoted father attempting to enforce their children's rights?
Take two classic insults to justice in Ottawa Canada, the DISHONOURABLE Dennis
Power, Alan Sheffield who routinely issue orders disposing of fathers like
trash, permanently removing any future right of access to the courts simply upon
a motion by a vindictive mother.
It is judges like this who pander to the sperm stealing feminists and whose
children frequently never see their father again.
Canada needs a legal presumption of equal parenting and a requirement that all
birth certificates must contain the father's name, or his DNA which will be
searchable by the father and or the child in the future upon request.
Children need both parents and Canada needs to make massive changes to clean up
its corrupt judiciary that makes decisions for political reasons or increasingly
for reasons of revenge and intimidation. www.OttawaMensCentre.com