Alone and pregnant on purpose


From Tuesday's Globe and Mail

July 1, 2008 at 9:25 AM EDT

Lily is not waiting for her biological clock to tick any louder. At 33, she has given up on dating. So she is planning to have a baby on her own next year, via a sperm donor.

While she has told some supportive family members of her plans, the Toronto resident has looked elsewhere for both practical and emotional advice: an online group called Choice Moms.

“I've always felt like an outsider because almost everybody is married with kids, so it's hard for me to find people who understand my feelings,” says Lily, who asked that her full name not be used.

“I feel like I've found people who understand me.”

For women like Lily, the choices never stop. First, you have to choose how you are going to become a mother: adoption, sperm donor or unprotected sex? If it is via a donor, will it be a known donor or anonymous?

Then, there's what to call yourself. Are you a Choice Mom? A Single Mother By Choice?

As a social movement comes of age, this may sound like a branding exercise. But for those on the inside, how you identify yourself is a crucial part of the process.

For one thing, it is difficult to know exactly how many like-minded women are out there – or where to find them. According to Statistics Canada, 25 per cent of births in this country in 2005 were to single women, but the circumstances of those births are not collected. Some may have started out with a co-parent. Still other solo moms may be classified as divorced even though they chose to be parents for the first time post-divorce. So, the demographic pieces itself together from within.

“It's like you're inventing yourself all the time and figuring out what your priorities are and your values are,” says Mikki Morrissette, the author of a new advice book, Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide, who created the label Choice Moms.

She started the Choice Moms website in this last February, and it is now attracting about 2,000 visitors a month. A Yahoo message board she started a few years ago has about 800 regular members. She is hoping to find more. “There's a lot of us out there, we just don't know it,” she says.

Ms. Morrissette is the new solo mom on the block. A group called Single Mothers by Choice is considered the godmother of the genre. It was founded in 1981 by U.S. psychologist Jane Mattes and runs support groups across North America.

Ms. Morrissette, a journalist and mother of two who lives in Minneapolis, credits Ms. Mattes and her work for boosting the acceptability of going it alone. But she thought it could use a fresh moniker. She coined the term Choice Moms when she was writing her book because it was shorter. More importantly, it dropped the word “single,” mention a major distinction for followers.

“A lot of people think we chose to be single,” Lily says. “We didn't. We ended up single through circumstances and we're choosing to be mothers.” (And for Ms. Morrissette, that is not how it ended up. She met her husband when pregnant with her second child, now 4.)

The Choice Moms parameters are otherwise fairly rigid. Ms. Morrissette mostly serves women using sperm donors, but welcomes women who adopt, women who accidentally become pregnant, and single lesbians.

However, she admits she has turned women away if they started with a partner but are now single: “It's a completely different beast. There are different emotions.” Choice Moms don't grapple with child support or custody, for instance.

Instead, she caters to the next generation of moms-to-be, who are opting for solo motherhood earlier than their predecessors. Lily reports seeing women aged about 26 or 27 seeing advice on the site; she says they were gently told by many to give it a few more years. When they do choose to go ahead with being a Choice Mom, Ms. Morrissette hopes to address some of the stickier issues she and other solo mothers may not have felt comfortable talking openly about in the past, such as how to tell a child she has no father and how to admit not having a spouse is tough.

“We tend to be very focused on conceiving or adopting; we don't really think about what happens later,” Ms. Morrissette says.

For instance, when Atlantic Monthly writer and single mom Lisa Gottlieb wrote an essay in March suggesting that she may have been better off “settling” for Mr. Good Enough instead of using a donor, some members on the Choice Moms discussion board went wild with disapproval.

“Then there were some women who said, ‘Let's admit there's some loneliness that comes with it, but we're afraid to say it,' ” says Ms. Morrissette, who eventually interviewed both Ms. Gottlieb and one of those women for a podcast. “Those are the things we need to acknowledge. It's hard to do that outside the community because you get the I-told-you-so's.”

Even women completely at ease with their choices, like Vancouver school principal and single mother of one, Kathleen Jeffrey, find they could use a little face time with others like them.

“I learned a lot though this experience,” she says. “It is a hard decision to make. Some people look at you like you're out of Star Trek.”

Ms. Jeffrey, 42, chose to align with SMC and is trying to start a Vancouver support group. In the United States, she says, some SMC groups are so close-knit they even arrange cruises together.

That different labels are emerging indicates the movement is coming of age, says Andrea O'Reilly, an associate professor of women's studies at York University in Toronto and director of the school's Association for Research on Mothering.

“In the last decade we have been redefining or reshaping what it means to be a mother,” she says. “A woman 48 and single can say, ‘I chose this.' And a woman at 18 can say, ‘I chose to keep my baby,' ” she says. “It's something we would not have seen a decade and a half ago.”


Ottawa Mens, from Ottawa, Canada) wrote: Choice Moms like any extreme feminist group camouflage their basic goal or denying children a father by referring to "accidental pregnancy".

This is a group of women hell bent on not having any "custody or access issue", They even state "Choice Moms don't grapple with child support or custody". Thats because odds are the fathers will never know until and if they receive a demand for child support accompanied by an effective order preventing any meaningful contact with the child.

Generally speaking, hetrosexual males will not "donate sperm" for a lesbian mother seeking a child who is going to be denied a relationship with their father.

The fact is, children develop best in a hetrosexual family with a father and mother, children need role models of both genders.

Extreme feminists have literally run men out of elementary school teaching, education has been feminized to the point that any male waiting outside a school is enough to get a swarm of police cars in seconds.

Choice Moms are very obviously encouraging and promoting the obtaining of sperm by "accidents", that are never accidents.
Women know when they are fertile, the accidents are generally very well planed. First of course, is genetic research, they generally chose the right looking man, they check out his qualifications, his intelligence, personality and of course, his ability to pay child support is generally a high factor.

Those women who seek out unwitting sperm donors, are often highly intelligent, highly motivated, with extremely selfish goals that if looked at often are classic symptoms of a severe personality disorder and or a mental health problem. Their problems often prevent them from having relationships that lead to marriage and their own dysfunctional personalities cause children to grow up with similar problems.

Real Moms don't need "accidental sperm donors".


Ottawa Mens, from Ottawa, Canada) wrote: Donating Sperm is often child abuse. First, many women who cannot have a relationship with a man are victims of childhood sexual abuse, and often their own mother's were also victims of childhood sexual abuse or a dysfunctional family background. Some women who cannot have a relationship with a man were not just victims of childhood sexual abuse but includes a dysfunctional family background that could also include daughters of an alcoholic or violent father.

Most child abusers are not male, they are female, and most were victims of childhood abuse in one form or another. They grow up to avoid men but crave "something to love" and decide to "accidentally become pregnant or "get a sperm donor".

Family courts are increasingly filled with high income earning professional women who very carefully chose "their donor" as if they were shopping for a luxury car and after giving birth, file applications for "child support" from lower income earing unwitting sperm donors whose lives are effectively ruined and their odds of becoming married and affording to have children are dramatically reduced.

These same women rely upon the cesspool of feminist family court judges who include man hating lesbian judges personally engaged in similar exercises. Ottawa Mens, from Ottawa, Canada wrote: There are two sorts of women who seek sperm donors. One group will never have a relationship with a man and generally they have no intention of ever letting their child know who their daddy was or have any contact with him.

There is another group who claim they can't meet a man, what they are not saying is they can't meet a man who "meets their standards", that is generally related to money.

Increasingly, more women earn more than men, there is an ever decreasing pool of men with "money" sufficient to meet the goals of many women, you see, they are not rich enough to get married to but, apparently their sperm is just fine for making babies who may or may not be given a chance to have some very minor relationship or contact with the child.

The real problems start when you have a significant percentage of children being born without any father in their lives, their elementary schools, baby sitters are almost void of men, in fact most male teachers will not take on an elementary teaching position due to the extreme feminists propensity to cause fabricated criminal allegations at the slightest opportunity.

Canada needs substantive legislation enforcing children's rights to a relationship with both parents. Canada needs a legal presumption of a child's right to equal parenting by both parents especially when the sperm has been obtained by deceit and fraud that "caused" yet another "accidental pregnancy" that was in most cases a very carefully planned event.

I have lost count of the number of women who told me that they deliberately got pregnant to a man and they did so because "they did not want any custody or access hassles". No they were not lesbians either, just very selfish heterosexual women.

Children and father's are both losers in Canada. Children have no right to live equally with both parents and fathers are treated as second class sub humans. Ottawa Mens, from Ottawa, Canada wrote: These women think children are property like pets. They assume children come just from them only. After conception, the child becomes their personal property, it is their right to do what they like with their child.

Feminists have brainwashed Canadian politicians and Judges that sperm is insignificant, and that mother's gain full parental rights from the moment the sperm is fertilized.

Children once adults have another view, most seek out their father and are bitterly disappointed to discover that they were denied a relationship with a loving devoted father by a family court system that is controlled and operated by extreme feminists who get basically anything and everything they ask for.

There is no rule of law in Canada when it comes to children's rights. Our judiciary don't apply the law, they apply political considerations only, they engage in criminalizing innocent loving fathers whose only crime is to be a devoted father attempting to enforce their children's rights?

Take two classic insults to justice in Ottawa Canada, the DISHONOURABLE Dennis Power, Alan Sheffield who routinely issue orders disposing of fathers like trash, permanently removing any future right of access to the courts simply upon a motion by a vindictive mother.

It is judges like this who pander to the sperm stealing feminists and whose children frequently never see their father again.

Canada needs a legal presumption of equal parenting and a requirement that all birth certificates must contain the father's name, or his DNA which will be searchable by the father and or the child in the future upon request.

Children need both parents and Canada needs to make massive changes to clean up its corrupt judiciary that makes decisions for political reasons or increasingly for reasons of revenge and intimidation.